A living nightmare from a parent’s perspective, and much much worse for my daughter. The election of DT wasn’t a surprise, from someone attuned to people watching and watching the “signs”…. But it was a shock nonetheless. I had traveled back east to be with my daughter (who is in college) for the election. While I’m so glad I did, it’s a horrible feeling to see the news, break it to my kid, and then see the waves of realizations and repercussions. The tears, the fear, and the realization that her life will change in ways we don’t even know yet.
When I was younger, I was married to a man that was “not nice”. Verbally and emotionally abusive, and teetering on the edge of endangering my safety daily…. I knew it was a matter of time until that line was crossed. I had a “go bag” and one night, I needed to use it. The policeman basically told me that though they couldn’t do anything at that moment, they knew I wasn’t safe if I stayed in the house, even if they convinced him to leave. So I left with my bag, caught the last ferry in the middle of the night, back to my parents house. I gave them a call to let them know I was coming, and when I got there they had made up a bed for me beautifully and with such care. The image and feeling of walking into a welcoming space that understood and didn’t ask me to prove myself, or qualify my need to flee, will stick with me for the rest of my life.
In the following days, I had friends that offered me a safe place to stay, and other resources to help me, with no questions asked. I also had people in my life that, I felt at the time, needed me to prove the need, prove the abuse, and wanted to play “devils advocate”. The whole “two sides” thing.
What I needed was safety, protection, advocacy, and grace so I could deal with the constant fear I felt and the subsequent onslaught of harassment and legal battles. And I needed to know I wasn’t alone.
This is what my daughter, and many many Transgender people need from us right now. They need to know that there is a bed made and ready for them. Maybe here in the US, and maybe across a border. They need to know that we get it, that they don’t need to prove their fear. They need our advocacy, our belief in them, and our help.
So, what can we do? How do we make sense of this, to figure out next steps when it’s all just so huge and unknown and scary. What do we know?
I’m lucky enough to have an amazing therapist with a unique understanding of what it means to have to flee your country. And after our session today I feel better equipped than yesterday, but still floundering. I don’t have all the answers. None of us do. We don’t know how this will play out.
-We know that we need a “go bag”, and a few contingency plans for getting out of the state and/or the country.
-We know that my daughter needs to stay connected with her community, but also needs to protect herself online and take down a lot of her social media presence and lock down her posts that she decides to keep up.
-We know that I need to do the same thing, and remove photos and posts that could divulge her whereabouts.
-We know that we need to make sure that the people we choose to communicate with online need to be vetted, as right wing groups are infiltrating facebook groups and other platforms to gain information.
-And we know we need support, whether from family, employers, schools, and friends. This can be offered, or asked for. For instance, I spoke with my daughter’s college today to find out what they are doing to support their LGBTQ+ students and how they will protect them moving into next year and DT’s presidency. I’m reaching out to the places we will have a bed out of the country and lining that all up.
For those who feel like this is a little “Chicken Little”, I’d say you haven’t been paying attention. I can assure that many organizations, support groups, legal advice teams, and other advocates are all calling for the above actions. At best, it’s over prepared… I don’t want to find out the “at worst”.
Here’s the “why”: (I won’t ask my daughter to explain this, or any trans person to justify their fear, but as a parent I can reach outward and explain so that we can build understanding, and help allies help us)
Project 2025 (Yes, it’s real, yes it’s the agenda, and yes it is a very real threat) has verbiage that will essentially target trans people online, and in public if possible, as spreading “pornography”. The visible existence of trans people will be linked to “spreading trans ideology”. From article: “But the giveaway here is in the two examples provided at the beginning "transgender ideology" and "sexualization of children."” Link: https://tinyurl.com/4vmjtybr
The fear, is that this will extend to any communications and existence of trans people online, either adult or children, as “porn” and punishable by imprisonment. A trans person existing in public where a minor could be present would be all it would take to arrest them as being “pornographic or obscene”.
Any librarian or school employee that recommends a book could be arrested. And even suicide hotlines and LGBTQ+ resources like the Trevor project would be targeted for promoting transgender ideology and will likely be shut down. For more follow this https://tinyurl.com/vu3c446x
To dive deeper into the Project 2025 and their targeting trans people, they want to circumvent blue states protection of trans people by essentially threatening the district attorneys and governors with replacements handpicked by DT if they don’t comply with following the new federal mandates and prosecuting offenders. Sanctuary cities and states will no longer be an offer of protection.
Is this “worst case”? Maybe. But the roadmap is clearly outlined in Project 2025, and Matt Walsh has already won a place on DT’s team. After DT won the election, Bo French and Steve Bannon have also publicly stated that Project 2025 will be implemented.
Additionally, the 500+ anti LGBTQ+ state laws proposed last year aren’t going anywhere, in fact they were just getting started….
More state laws emboldening individual persons to report trans people:
This is already happening in certain states, for instance Odessa, Texas has a new bathroom ordinance that will put a $10,000 bounty (payable by the trans person to the complainant) for anyone reporting a trans person using a bathroom that aligns with their gender identity but not their gender assigned at birth on their original, not amended, birth certificate. This isn’t proposed, this is actual law and is also the first time where citizens will have a financial incentive to report and have trans people arrested. https://tinyurl.com/3n3z22h2
We also know that verbal and physical attacks on trans people is rising, and now will undoubtedly increase with the emboldened right wing’s “victory”.
Just 2 weeks ago, my daughter (who is in a blue state and blue county) had a car drive by and yell slurs at her as she was walking from her apartment to school. 2 months prior in a neighboring city a trans teen was beaten up by 20+ members of their high school for being trans, also while being called slurs. We know attacks on LGBTQ+ and particularly trans people are rising, and with all the hate rhetoric used in both DT’s campaign, and in many local elections as well, it is becoming more and more dangerous to exist in public.
She doesn’t feel safe, even in a “safe community” that she is in. We are looking at ways to improve her feelings of safety, and for her friends to be able to safely get back and forth from campus to their apartments, however that will likely not be enough as we move into 2025.
So, if you’ve read this far… how can you help?
1. Believe trans people and parents of trans kids when we say this is an emergency situation.
2. Become an active ally, reach out to the trans families in your life and let them know that you are willing to help. Be careful saying things like “you are seen and loved” as that is the equivalent of “thoughts and prayers”. Better to say “I am here for you”, “I have a bed for you”, “I can donate miles or money to you to help you” or just “I will support you in the coming months/years in whatever way I can”.
3. Make a list of your state’s leaders and lawmakers. Press them on how they plan to protect trans people in their state. Press hard, require responses and answers. Show them you are paying attention. In the coming days I’ll work on some verbiage you can use and will be sharing.
4. Talk to your HR departments, your kid’s school/college, your church, your community leaders and ask them how they will protect their transgender members. Will they step up and help in a time of need. Are they aware of the problems coming our way? How will they help.
5. Get educated about what it really means to be transgender, particularly a transgender youth. It’s very easy to get swayed by statements like “they are allowing 4 year olds to change their gender” or “they are mutilating children irreversibly” or “they are allowing children to be sterilized” etc…. It’s simply and wholly untrue. The standards of care are outlined at the bottom of this post.
6. Show up, Show out, don’t hide. We are looking at Fascism, and what fascists want is for ordinary people to sit back, be quiet, and preserve themselves when a marginalized group is threatened. This is critical for them. And yes, this is scary. But now isn’t the time to put the rainbow flags away. Now is the time to triple the amount of flags. Imagine if all of my friends turned their back on me when I had to escape an abusive husband, that they didn’t want to get involved. Imagine it’s you in that situation. I’m sorry, but this isn’t the time to play it safe, because it won’t stop at immigrants, trans people, gay people, Jewish people, pregnant people, etc…. It really won’t.
7. Learn more, learn the words, the terminology so that you can be better prepared to discuss this with other people. Here’s a great resource: https://tinyurl.com/mryvbrz2
Additionally you can learn more about how transphobia has been shaped by society and media and greatly impacts our ability to understand what it is really like to be transgender in this documentary: Disclosure. https://tinyurl.com/cnxmunme
One of the things I found exceptionally helpful for me when my daughter came out, was to follow a bunch of accounts on Instagram of trans people. Normalizing and humanizing them, their experiences, and their amazing gifts is a great way to understand more and begin to advocate.
And remember, you don’t have to do it all, you don’t have to understand it all, and you don’t have to be perfect, you can still learn and grow, and you will be helping one of the most marginalized and targeted communities we have right now in America.
Please, and Thank You,
Mama Bear
Standards of Care as put forth by the AAP:
-Pre puberty, no medical intervention necessary.
Children will be “persistent, consistent, and insistent” that their gender isn’t matching their identity. This doesn’t happen overnight, it doesn’t happen by meeting a trans person, and it doesn’t happen by reading a book. It also doesn’t happen because “all of their friends” are doing it. This can start as early as 3 or 4, but not always… (more on that later)
It is recommended at this age to speak with their doctor, consult a therapist specializing in gender, and respect their exploration of their gender identity. For some, the exploration is all that will happen. This process often occurs over years, not days or weeks. It’s not a phase, and all that happens medically is that their doctor can be aware of what is going on.
They may “socially transition”. What that means is that they may decide to wear clothes that align more closely with the gender they identify with. They may choose a different name to use. They may play around with this for a while and let it take shape as they grow.
What is important is that parents be supportive and get support for themselves as well to help them navigate this journey.
-Puberty- reversible puberty blockers at most during this time.
It is possible that the child has been transgender for a while, and under the care of a doctor and often gender therapist, and it is also possible and normal that puberty has triggered their gender dysphoria (the condition that causes someone to feel as though they are in the wrong body with regards to gender).
Either way, their doctor under guidance of the AAP (American Acadamy of Pediatricians) will recommend gender therapists to be involved, and possibly to start puberty blockers. Puberty blockers were introduced into medicine for treating pediatric cancer and for precocious puberty (puberty that starts too young). These are safe and reversible steps to help stave off puberty until the child can be old enough for gender affirming surgeries. The average age of the onset of puberty for boys is 12 and 11 for girls however it can be as early as 8 or 9 years old. While there are possible side effects of puberty blockers, there are also multiple types to try, and the risks are far lower than many other medicines available and given to children for many reasons.
At this age and under the guidance of a licensed therapist and doctor the family may also consider a name change and gender on legal documents. In many states, a doctor and licenses mental health specialist have to sign off on the name and gender changes on all legal documents and identification paperwork.
-Adolescents, early to late teenagers- possibly adding cross-sex hormone therapy.
During this time, in addition to puberty blockers which may have been administered for a few years, the child may start on cross sex hormone therapy. For trans girls, this will be adding estrogen, and for trans boys it will be adding testosterone. These therapies are only given when several criteria have already been met, and are not “easy to get”. Insurance is notorious for denying claims, and it can be difficult to obtain particularly depending on what state the teen is in.
The side effects of the hormones are discussed in depth, and there are reversible and non reversible changes that will happen. Their doctor will discuss these thoroughly, and there will be opportunities to freeze sperm or eggs for future use should they become infertile as a result of the hormone therapy.
Note: It is extremely rare for surgeries to happen before the age of 18, including “top surgery” which is the removal of breast tissue, and “bottom surgery” which is genital surgeries. The criterial is extremely strict and difficult to get, and takes years to obtain permission and insurance approval as well as a surgeon’s consent (of which there are few in the United States).
Again, this process and approvals with insurance can take years. It should also be noted that it is difficult to navigate, and anyone “faking it” will be quickly weeded out by numerous blood tests, therapy sessions, and doctor visits. I personally know someone who’s child had multiple suicide attempts and whose doctors at a well renowned children’s hospital felt strongly that surgery would be life saving, but insurance denied their request and after many appeals they still had to wait until they were 18.
-Adults over 18 years- possible surgery if desired and criteria are met
This is when a child can access gender affirming surgery provided all the above criteria has been met. Additionally, preparation for surgeries can take up to a year, such as laser hair removal or electrolysis for bottom surgery. Doctors are booked out well in advance, and there is often a waiting list. Often times children have been part of a gender clinic at a children’s hospital which will have strict criteria on how to move forward. Recovery is long and slow and painful, and would only be chosen by people who again, are insistent, persistent, and consistent.
It should also be noted that many trans people don’t elect to have surgery at all. In fact, the statistics show between 4-13% of transgender men and women have bottom surgery. And it’s not just about cost or access. Some transgender people decide that the social transition is enough.
In a 2016 survey of 703 doctors in the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, only .5% of the gender related surgeries they perform are “bottom surgeries”. That year there was a total of 3,256 surgeries reported, so 16 bottom surgeries in a year. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna762916
The rhetoric of children “going to school as Johnny and coming home as Jane”, and then being “sterilized and their genitals mutilated” in a blink of an eye are vastly untrue, and deeply harmful.
The reality of a trans child and their caregiver couldn’t be more different from the rhetoric.
Fear, isolation, self harm and suicide, as well as threats to their safety from others (hate crimes) are the biggest risks trans kids and adults face. Conversion therapy, abuse, and ignoring the child’s insistence will always cause more harm and has been proven to do so.
And finally, what about the “what if they regret” their surgery.. . What if they regret transitioning (since we know that very few trans people actually get bottom surgery)?
The regret rates for gender affirming surgery hovers around 1%. The regret rates for any surgeries across the board is 14%.
What about those who detransition? In an article published by the National Institutes of Health in 2022: “The largest study to look at detransition was the U.S. Transgender Survey from 2015 which was a cross-sectional nonprobability study of 27 715 TGD adults (4). This survey included the question “Have you ever de-transitioned? In other words, have you ever gone back to living as your sex assigned at birth, at least for a while?” The survey found that 8% of respondents had detransitioned temporarily or permanently at some point and that the majority did so only temporarily. Rates of detransition were higher in transgender women (11%) than transgender men (4%). The most common reasons cited were pressure from a parent (36%), transitioning was too hard (33%), too much harassment or discrimination (31%), and trouble getting a job (29%).” https://tinyurl.com/nh4ra3xr